Interview with a Hipster

Alright. I've had enough. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

I was walking to happy hour tonight and I got pissed. Oh no folks, this is not a cute little writing tool that I am using to snare you into reading yet another one of my nonsensical, pointless blog entries. Tonight, my happy hour was anything but.

Goddamned hipsters making a mess all over the city! (For anyone who recognizes the pretty blatant "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" reference, I give you kudos. Ben...this is probably only you. So, Kudos Ben.)

Anyway, tonight, on my journey through Center City and into Rittenhouse, I noticed something very peculiar. A bunch of 'twentysomething' women with grey hair. When I saw the first girl I thought, "Good God, she should fire her stylist!"
When I saw the second, I thought, "Well that ain't right!"
By the time I saw the third, I knew. "Goddamned Hipsters making a mess all over the city."

Now, I am a pretty judgmental individual, and I have never tried to hide this fact. Another thing I have never tried to hide is my fundamental dislike for the hipsters. As a people I find them to be an incredibly pretentious, ill-mannered, poorly dressed group of social pariahs, who can't decide who they hate more; their parents, society, or themselves. They are the quintessential 21st century cultural backlash to Abercrombie&Fitch and American Eagle. We created this monster, and unfortunately, it is up to us to slay this beast.

The only thing I hate more than a hipster, is a hipstette, the female incarnation of this new horrid form of douchebaggery. Gone are the days of the Muffy with her Ralph Lauren Polo shirt and her pleated khakis. Now we have girls with horrible assymetrical haircuts (apparently the new neighborhood salon is owned by a blind man with a butcher knife), ill fitting jeans, and the worst...tattoos all over their bodies. Gross.
I do not have a problem with ink. I have two tattoos, but no Joe Schmoe on the street can see them. These Hipstettes have them EVERYWHERE. What do their parents think? Worse...what will their grandchildren think? Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like coming home to Grandma's house and seeing her baggy, dayglo colored flesh hanging out the sides of her housedress.

So tonight, when I saw these Hipstettes with the grey hair I thought that maybe they were dying their hair in honor of Bea Arthur (RIP). Then I realized...the hair, the tattoos! Hipsters are vampires! Ok, hear me out. I just finished "Twilight" (which apparently makes me 12, but whatever). They are dying their hair grey, because they are immortal and they will never grow old! These poor young idiots will never face the cruel effects of time, so they are punishing themselves and playing Father Time themselves! Plus, since they know they will never age, they don't have any fear of how disgusting their tattoos will look once they hit middle age!

These poor hipsters are simply a group of the undead who are doomed to wander the earth for all time, covered in horrible, trendy body art, with horrible attitudes. (I would probably have a bad attitude if I knew I would never die too).

So now that I have realized the plight of the hipster, the first thing I am doing tomorrow is going to the Philadelphia Free Library and taking out a book on Van Helsing.